Me and my cutie little baby - 11-23-95

Happy Birthday Gage

So it's Friday morning, April 28, 1995. I was 37 weeks pregnant. I had a regular check up and was told I was dilated to... 1 cm. Absolutely no big deal, I was told. Some women go for another week or two... no biggie. Does someone want to explain these pains I have every hour or so because I'm not digging them... AT ALL. No biggie, the doctor said again. Yeah, he was a man and obviously has no business being an OBGYN. I went through the rest of the day feeling like crap, having contractions. I went to dinner that night to celebrate baby daddy's birthday and it was torture. After dinner I told him I was not doing so good so of course we went to the mall because he needed new shoes?!? The poor guy at Foot Locker didn't leave my side as he thought I was going to deliver on the shoe horns.

We finally got home and there's my dad trying to put together baby furniture. There was swearing, throwing of parts and tools, and breaking of small (according to him, unimportant) pieces. I finally tried to go to bed at around 9:30 and once I laid down and concentrated on them I realized the contractions were coming pretty close together. I went to my parents and asked them to take me to the hospital. I clearly remember my mom rolled her eyes. These are her exact words as I will never forget them.

"There's no reason to go to the hospital! You're not gonna have that baby, they're just gonna send you home."

We got in the car. Me, Mom, Dad, and baby daddy. My dad went to the wrong hospital and wondered why I didn't just go in there... it's a hospital, there are doctors and I'm sure they deliver babies. Back on the road headed to the correct hospital and my mom starts with the "You're not gonna have that baby, they're just gonna send you home." business again. I'm trying to breathe through my contractions, which, by the way, are seriously annoying and painful at the same time.

We made it to the right hospital and Gage was born on April 29, 1995 at 11:01 AM to the chants of "give me a girl, give me a girl, give me a girl" by my mother. He knew I wanted a boy :)

Dance Recital

So Layla had a dance recital on Saturday and while I love watching her dance can I just say that I do not like watching the three, four, and five year old girls dance... and there are A LOT of them! Yes, yes, they're cute but really... we're sitting on bleachers for almost two hours so I could do without watching them twirl their fingers in their hair and wave at their parents instead of actually doing the dance. I know their parents think it's the cutest thing ever but it's obnoxious after 45 minutes of it over and over and over again. I do realize that if it was Layla I would think it was adorable but... well... it's not therefore I find it irritating as hell.

Now let's talk about the women sitting in front of me that were not only wearing entirely too much perfume they were wearing stinky, overpowering, floral perfume that smelled exactly like the flowers in the Spring that cause my eyes to water and itch and generally stop my ability to breathe like a normal person. I'm guessing these woman knew where they were going. They knew that they would be in a school gymnasium crammed with hundreds of people in very close quarters but still, they decided to assault us (yep, I said assault) with their choice of fragrance. I was blindsided. I never saw it coming. There I was, minding my own business when two women (Grandma's to a little dancer) came and sat right in front of me. Someone used their surly teenage kids to save the spots for their Grandma's so when they arrived the teenagers (who, surprisingly, smelled just fine) left and the wicked, smelly ladies took their places. The show was about to start, my seats were great, and the place was packed. Stuck is what I was.

So thank you old ladies. Thanks for making me watch my daughter dance through itchy, watery eyes. Next year I'm going to bring one of those little hand held, battery powered fans and if you sit in front of me again be prepared to have wind at your backs for the entire show.

Oh that Nick

So Nick came to the preschool and had lunch with us today. We sat at the end of the table and everyone seemed a little leery of him except one of the little girls... she sat by me, across from Nick.

I think it was love at first sight. Every time he said anything she would throw back her cute little head and laugh until she snorted. Even when he asked her a question, back went her head and the laugh was loud and snorty. Towards the end of lunch after a particularly fake laugh from her and a very loud pig snort after he asked what her name was (hilarious right?) I said...

"I think someone's flirting with my man."

"No Miss Jill, that came out of my mouth... not my butt!"


Clearly I picked the right job.

Again... with the rethinking this whole choice of job.

So this may make me old and I'm okay with it but I remember when kids were scared of adults. Ya know... like scared respectful.

I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that I was scared shitless of most adults in my life when I was a kid. Pretty much any adult in your life was able to give you a spanking... usually with a board/paddle of some sort. The principle of the middle school hung his on the wall in his office and used it often. Yep... teachers were allowed to use corporal punishment and it pretty much scared kids straight. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I grew up in the south and respect is HUGE there. It's Ma'am and Sir and for the love of God you better say "please" and "thank you"!

Fast forward to the new freaking millennium and three year old kids telling me what they are and aren't going to do, being rude and disrespectful, and ordering me to do things. Are you kidding me with that shit? If, at three, they don't give two shits about authority then what are they going to be like at thirteen?

Thank God I won't be around for that.

How to make your kid blush 20 shades of red

So we're sitting at the dining room table having dinner and Gage tells Layla he saw the Hannah Montana movie yesterday because that's what Lily wanted to see. She asks who Lily is and he says she's his girlfriend.

Whoa... just a sec there... since when is she your girlfriend?

Since he asked her out... (duh)

So now we start asking questions... you know, the embarrassing kind like where does Lily live, how old is she, what's her last name? Oh... you don't think they're embarrassing either? Okay, good, I thought maybe it was just me. You would think we asked him if her hair smelled like flowers or if her skin was soft. The poor kid turned beet red and said he didn't want to talk anymore.

I took that as my invitation to ask more questions and if I thought he was red before...

Sometimes this parenting thing is just, plain, fun.

It's Official

So baseball season has officially begun. Gage has been placed on a team and has his first scrimmage tomorrow.

I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year.

I love watching Gage do what he loves. I love hanging out with all of the cool families that we have gotten to know so well over the last six years. I love going to tournaments and staying at hotels with these families.

I hate being away so much. I hate not having family dinners at the dining room table. I hate not seeing friends that have nothing to do with baseball.

It's all worth it for sure. Pretty soon Gage will probably ask that we don't go to his games and we'll have to oblige. Until then... I'll miss you if you're not part of the baseball family.

See ya in the fall.

Hot and Cold

So I've gone from being completely irritated and pissed off at my kid to being totally in love with him yet again.

To actually have a conversation, you know the kind when you use your inside voices, and talk about stuff... I like it. I like this kid right now because right now he's agreeable, funny, quick witted, and clever. As opposed to disagreeable, crabby, smart mouthed, and disrespectful... which he was no less than three hours ago.

It is Thursday night and he did just find out he won't be going to his dad's for the weekend and there were threats (and promises) of a grounding in his future so that might have something to do with his change in attitude but... I'll take it! If he wants to be an ass kisser so as not to get grounded then kiss away!!

FYI- I know I'm a sucker... and I'm okay with that.

Oh My God Mom... Stop Yelling At Me!!!

So those are words I hear pretty much every day from an almost 14 year old. I think if I hear it one more time I'm gonna lose my shit because when he says it I am not, in fact, yelling. I am usually on the edge... having been pushed there by said 14 year old... but not yelling yet. I am wondering why he continues to say it because inevitably it causes me to scream with rage. Rage at being told what to do by a 14 year old... that I gave birth to... and used to like quite a bit.

Now, keep your comments to yourselves. I said I used to like him quite a bit. Meaning I love him but if asked if he is likable right now... I'm gonna go with... not so much.

Yeah... I'm sure if I asked my mom how much she liked me at that age. Well... I don't ask her because I know what the answer will be.

Oh... and FYI... I am his mother therefore I can say whatever I want about the trials and tribulations of dealing with his shit on a regular basis but if you have a negative word about him... keep it to your damn self. Because no matter how much of an ass you think he is I will declare him perfect and defend him at ALL costs!

That's what mothers do... bitch, gripe, and defend. I'm just doing my job here people.

One of many reasons

So there are countless reasons that I think my husband is perfection. He does so much that sometimes I feel like I should be embarrassed about how little it leaves me to do.

Of all the amazing and wonderful things he does, and I'm not kidding it's a lot, my favorite thing is that he makes the bed. I have an issue with sleeping on wrinkly sheets and since we both toss and turn all night the bed doesn't stay very crisp for very long. I mean, really, is there anything better than getting into a fresh, crisp bed with sheets straight from the dryer? I say... nope. Can't think of a thing that I like more.

He doesn't complain about it, he doesn't make fun of me for not being able to sleep on wrinkled sheets. He just strips the bed and does his thing... and it's a beautiful thing.

What Easter Bunny?

So I mentioned that Layla has been reading Judy Blume. She finished Super Fudge a while ago and immediately asked if Santa was real. I owe Judy Blume a big, fat Thanks! I'm not ready for her to be done with Santa so I asked her if she believed in Santa. She said yes... end of story.

Now we move on to the Easter Bunny.

I suck at hiding things. She saw all of the crap for her Easter basket. Thought about it for a minute and asked if he was real. Again, I asked her if she believed and she said...

NO!

She says a bunny doesn't even make sense. I wholeheartedly agree so we have put him to rest and Nick and I get to take the credit for the goodies. She has strict instructions not to ruin it for her friends and family that do believe and really, she doesn't care... she has chocolate.

Not sure how a big fat dude sliding down every freaking chimney on the face of the Earth doesn't defy logic and a bunny running around delivering eggs and candy does but... as long as she believes, Santa will keep coming... and long after that I'm guessing but the Easter Bunny will no longer be making trips to this house.

But I'm getting light headed

So I was scrubbing the bathroom floor when I heard the back door slam shut. Layla yells

"Mommy! I cut my finger and it's bleeding bad!"

I tell her I'm on my way and dry my hands. When I walk into the kitchen she's just standing there holding her finger... actually more like pinching her finger. She was riding a bike and tried to ride under a swing set and her finger got caught in between the chain on the swing and the bike handle. The cuticle of her pointer finger now looks like ground beef.

You know how there are different types of bleeding? Like... obviously there's the kind that just pours out of you in a steady stream but there's also the kind that just sort of bubbles up and keeps getting bigger and bigger until it pops and then you've got a tidal wave of blood and it looks way worse than it is.

Yeah... that's what her finger did and she was mostly fine until she saw the amount of blood that came rushing from her finger and then she started hyperventilating. This is bad for two reasons. One... well, I clearly don't want her to pass out and Two... I might pass out and one of has to stay conscious and if she passes out... well... I'm a follower. If someone pukes... I puke. If someone cries... I cry. If someone passes out... you get the picture.

Anyway, she's all bandaged and medicated (for the throbbing, ouch) and lying in bed watching TV. There were many tears and a lot of sweating (from both of us).

I would like a drink now.

Like Mother Like Daughter

So Layla has been introduced to Beverly Cleary and Judy Blume and the girl is in heaven.

She finished Ramona Quimby - Age 8 in two days. Most of that was read in the hammock wrapped up in a blanket.

Too cute.

My husband is an old man

So there's this tree. It's like a magnet. It sucks all the neighborhood kids to it and makes them want to climb it. It's not a big tree... kind of perfect for kids to learn how to climb a tree. The branches are low and fairly sturdy. There's no great height to it so if one of the kids were to fall they would be more scared than hurt. It's definitely not my favorite tree because while it's pretty, it's flowers make me feel like my head is going to explode and makes my eyes water the entire time it is in bloom.

Nick, however, loves this tree and any tree in our yard. The minute he sees a little hand try to grab a branch, the words "Get off the tree!" come flying out of his mouth.

I wonder... did he never climb trees when he was little? I'm betting he climbed many. Did he get yelled at to get down? Maybe... maybe not. Is he worried they're going to break the tree? Umm... it's a tree... I doubt the five year old neighbor (or our eight year old daughter for that matter) is going to break it. If a branch does break, is that the end of the world? I think... no.

Well Nick... I let them climb it when you're not here.

It feels good to get that off my chest. Thank God for blogs.

Weird with a beard

So Nick occasionally volunteers in Layla's class. One of her classmates gave him the nickname "Weird with a Beard".

Fitting.

Sleep

So I really don't like to admit when I'm wrong (who does) but I'm putting it out there that my husband was right. Five years ago when we got a new bed he suggested that we get a king size bed. I said no and probably implied that he was an idiot for suggesting it. Well, right here, right now, I am eating my words. There is nothing I would love more right now than a big, giant, take up the whole damn room, king size bed.

And it would, in fact, take up the whole room. That was my issue with getting one in the first place but at this point I don't care if there is any room at all to walk in there. Who needs to walk in their bedroom... I just want to sleep!

So Nick... you can have all the mead making toys your heart desires if we can get a big ass bed. I want one so big that I'll have no idea if you're even in it.

I'm tired.

I'm a quitter

So I tried. The whole photo blog deal. Clearly I am not as dedicated as the ones that I took the idea from. I just don't have it in me. I mean really, who takes a photo every day? Um... not me. Oh well... at least I gave it a shot (pun intended).

Photos taken with cell phone. Bad quality... still funny

So we went bowling yesterday. Real life bowling. It's a lot harder than Wii bowling. The ball is heavy and you have to really launch it if you want to knock any pins over. I definitely underestimated the degree of difficulty involved.


Layla was having a horrible time seeing as we had no bumpers for her. There were a lot of gutter balls and some tears until I bribed her with ice cream. A double scoop and she was set.


Jeff did not follow proper bowling etiquette. It clearly states that you are supposed to keep your "body english" confined to one lane. Jeff did his dance down every lane. *I have no photos of that :(* I do however have a shot of his form. I'll give it to him that it was better than every one else.


Jaime gave up towards the end and went for the granny shot. It did not serve her well.


Austin tried a variety of balls and techniques... umm... I beat him :)


Last, but not least, is Nick. He was slipping and sliding all over the floor. I beat him too :)

Poker Night

So there were 14 of us and I personally took out 4 of them. It came down to me and Beth and a bunch of drunk, loud, yelling spectators. Beth and I played a few hands and went back and forth, back and forth all the while everyone is yelling what we should do. Can I just say that's not what happens on Celebrity Poker. We dealt with it the only way we knew how. We yelled back and dropped a lot of F bombs. Very ladylike.

In the end we decided to split the pot... that didn't help with the yelling from the spectators. Have you figured out yet that they were a bunch of bitter losers... all men of course.

So here's to Beth... because while I only got half the pot, at least it wasn't one of those bitter men I had to share it with!

So... I got nothing original for ya

1. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
As I have said before... I was absolutely sure I would be marrying a rich man and having his babies. Done and done. HA HA

2. What have you done in the past week to help someone else?
I volunteered in Layla's class and I bought supplies for the preschool where I work and am grossly underpaid.

3. Who is the best-dressed person you know?
A teacher at the school. She wears heels every day. Kind of annoying!

4. What is on your nightstand?
A photo of Nick and Layla, Bath & Body Works sun-ripened raspberry body lotion, extra pair of glasses, nail file, nail polish, and a lamp... oh and at least one empty Diet Coke can, probably more

5. If you were a cat, what kind of a cat would you be?
A siamese... they're kinda bitchy right?

6. If you lived in a house surrounded by acres of trees, what particular type of tree would you want flourishing on your land?
Pecan trees

7. What do you find to be very overrated?
People saying "Hot Mess"

8. How many email addresses do you have?
3... one for junk, one for work, and one I use every day

9. Have you ever felt replaced?
I'm irreplaceable... and apparently a little full of myself. Nothing wrong with that.

10. Would you rather watch football or baseball?
Baseball, hands down. I hate football... pretty passionately.

11. What is the wallpaper on your phone?
A photo of Layla

12. Name a lyric from the song you're listening to.
Take me on the floor

13. Do you use a feed reader?
nope

14. What chocolate do you always leave in the box?
The kind that's covering a cherry... Disgusting

15. What would you do if you found out your ex is engaged?
I'm pretty sure all of my exes are married but really I don't care. They are exes for a reason.

16. Do words hurt you?
When they're meant to, yep.

17. Are you a talker or a listener?
People are lucky to get a word in.

18. Have you ever walked on the beach at night?
Yep... it's overrated

19. Who is your favorite professional athlete?
Joe Mauer... only because I like to pretend it's Gage in a few years.

20. Which TV show have you seen pretty much every episode of?
Lost... and I'm still confused as hell

Seriously... with the dreams

So we all know what I dreamed about night before last. I'd like to go back to that... please.

Last night I dreamed I was pregnant... with triplets... two of which were boys... but they were cats.

The worst part of the dream was not that I was pregnant with two boy cats (and one human girl) but that I was in labor. You know those dreams where everything seems so real? Yep... I was in labor and it sucked! I was in a hospital but I couldn't find Labor and Delivery. Every elevator or escalator (because you find those in a lot of hospitals) stopped short of the third floor (apparently that's where I needed to go). Nick was desperately trying to figure out how to get there when Beth and Troy showed up. Beth just pointed and laughed at me (because I was HUGE) but Troy yelled "I'm a cop!" and suddenly Labor and Delivery magically appeared.

I woke up before I delivered the cats.

I think I'd like to get my tubes tied!

Dream Cheating

So I have written about this topic in older blogs but I have to revisit it because it really, really ruins my day. I realize there is no good reason to get pissy about it but really... I hate it.

Usually it is Nick cheating on me. Usually right in front of me. Usually laughing about it.

If that wouldn't ruin your day... well... your heart is black... just sayin'.

While it is usually Nick doing the dream cheating, last night it was me. Now I can't decide what's worse. I actually felt guilty when I woke up this morning. Like I had really done something wrong. I think I prefer anger over guilt. I'd rather be mad at Nick for no good reason than feel guilty all day for... well... no good reason.