Paper Towels and Computers

So I'm sitting at my computer and the card for my "lady" doctor is right in front of the keyboard. This is to remind me to schedule my appointment but, alas, it only reminds me of my last visit. Of course I'm going to tell you about it.

I'll start from the time they shove me into the tiny room and give me a paper towel to cover my nakedness. I ask for two, please. I don't know why I bother hurrying but I treat it as a race to see just how fast I can get undressed, get onto the table, and strategically cover myself with two squares of paper. Forty five seconds! Not bad if I do say so myself. Except that I know that the doctor won't knock on that door for at least fifteen minutes. Now I will sit and wait for a minimum of fourteen minutes and fifteen seconds. But, they graciously gave me TWO paper towels to cover with so really, I'm practically fully clothed. I'm all good.

Now I think, I should have grabbed a magazine from the wall before I got on the table. Well, I can't get it now. What if she's early (ha ha ha ha ha) and walks in just as I'm heading back to the table and gets a nice butt shot? No, no magazine this time. I'll just sit here and be patient.

I should have grabbed my phone out of my bag before I got on the table. Damn.

I think I have to pee.

Weird, that computer is making a funny sound. It's getting louder. Holy shit, that's really loud! That thing's gonna explode. This room is so tiny that if it does explode then I'm screwed. Good God, THAT IS REALLY LOUD. What should I do? What if it catches fire or something? Am I supposed to run out of this room with just my two paper towels? I have three major spots I'd like to cover but only two paper towels and two hands! Okay, really, this piece of electronic equipment is about to ruin my life. I'm sweating now. Paper sticks to skin when you sweat. Well, at least I won't have to hold it as I book it out of the building and my hands will be free to cover that third spot...nature's adhesive!

I've just realized that I don't hear the sound anymore. It's eerily quiet, besides the sound of my heartbeat thumping wildly in my chest.

Just as I'm wiping the sweat from my upper lip there is a knock at the door.

I think I'll schedule that appointment next week.

Fifty Shades Of WTF....

So I read the damn thing. Fifty Shades of Grey. It was alright. Not good, not bad. But there were things that bugged me.


Like this is America. In America we don't use words like...

surname

bloody

smart (instead of good)

mobile

the list goes on. I know the author is British, but if she's going to make her characters American they should speak like Americans.


And really, who says "Oh my"? Nobody, that's who.

In the middle of some crazy sex scene she thinks "oh my"?


Really lady. I'm not buying it. Well, except that I did buy it.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I need to go read the second book.

Math Is Not My Strong Suit

So...I changed high schools five times in four years. I wasn't too happy about that and decided school sucked and I learned everything I needed to know and...I dropped out.

Worst decision ever. Not because it has affected the course of my life really. I was a waitress for awhile and then worked for my dad. After I got married and had Layla I stayed home. So you see, not having a high school diploma didn't really matter much. It was the worst decision ever because it is embarrassing. I think more embarrassing to my kids than to me.

It's not that I struggled in school or wasn't smart enough to finish, I just got bored and sick of all of the moving around and not finding my place in high school. But people don't know that when they hear that I'm a high school drop out. And I hate that my kids might think that their mom is just a big, old, dummy.

So, at the ripe old age of 36, I finally went and got my GED. I just went in, filled out the paperwork, and took the test. Done and done.

I was actually nervous that I might not have passed so when I got my results I was relieved that I wouldn't have to tell my kids that I failed.

My scores were pretty good. I did well in Science and Social Studies. Got a perfect score in Reading (no surprise there), and barely passed Math.

Math is hard people. I have a whole new respect for both of my kids. They are both really good at math.

Clearly, they didn't get that from me!

So even though I'm still a high school drop out, I proved to my kids and myself that I'm not a big, old, dummy.

So there.

Hollow Doors (A Poem)

So have you ever tried to slam a hollow door?

It doesn't really work.

And then you just look stupid.

I don't like looking stupid.

Especially when I'm mad.

Nothing Important

So I don't have a lot to say lately. Still don't. Here are a few things.

I have fallen in love with the elliptical, especially in glute kicker mode.

I have a new favorite nail polish. I'm not going to tell you what it is.

I am jobless again through no fault of my own. Well, except that I refused to do exactly what someone else wanted me to do and ended up quitting so I guess that's kind of my fault but I'm okay with that and more importantly my husband is okay with that.

I can't seem to find a good playlist for working out. Aren't there any good songs out there??

Speaking of good songs, I just bought Justin Bieber's new single. Yes, yes I did.

I miss my kid. I haven't seen him since Christmas. I'm pretty sure he doesn't miss me. It's like he's a teenager or something.

My other kid still loves me so there's that. She'll love me forever though...I'm sure of it.

That nail polish, it's a Sinful Color. That's all I'm saying.

CVS...Not The Pharmacy

So Layla has a condition called CVS, Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome.

Basically, out of the blue, she will get incredible stomach pain (a stomach migraine) and start vomiting. When she was a toddler it would last 8-10 hours of vomiting every 5-10 minutes. EVERY 5-10 minutes. She became a champion puker. She never missed the bucket, she never complained, she just knew the routine (puke, sip of water, lie down for five minutes, puke again). These episodes would happen every three months, like clockwork. After a couple of years the time between episodes started to stretch out. Four or five months would go by, then six or seven months and before we knew it it seemed to stop all together.

She doesn't have regular episodes anymore but when she doesn't get enough sleep or is really nervous or upset about something it pops up again.

She had two sleepovers last weekend and was beyond tired on Sunday night. On Monday morning I woke up to her standing in front of my bed telling me she was going to throw up. And that she did.

She's back at school today after spending yesterday on the couch with her trusty puke bucket and a glass of ice water.

No more double sleepover weekends!

New Year's Eve

So New Year's Eve was a low key affair in this house. I was asleep by 10 but...whatever.

Nick and Layla had a date at the theater. She's so freaking cute!









P.S. They saw The Wizard of Oz. How appropriate are her shoes?