Seriously Mom... you need to chillax

So I can't remember if I wrote about having "the talk" with Gage recently and I'm too worked up to go back and check. Let me just say that we did, indeed, have "the talk" with him and the last thing I said to him was that if he is too embarrassed to talk about it with us (and holy shit was he embarrassed) than he should be too embarrassed to do the deed. I felt pretty confident and a little bad ass about it because I didn't giggle like a fool, which if you know me you know I tend to do in uncomfortable situations.

Fast forward to today. Now let me just say that I'm still confident that he's... well... too embarrassed to do the deed but it shakes your confidence a little when you find a condom in the washer. It was still in the package, unopened, which helps a little but... I think I lost my bad ass status when the first thing I did was barge in his room and yell...

"THIS IS WHY I SAID IF YOU DECIDE TO HAVE SEX YOU NEED TO COME TO US FIRST. CONDOMS DON'T WORK AFTER THEY'VE BEEN IN YOUR WALLET FOR TWO YEARS AND THEY DON'T WORK AFTER THEY GO THROUGH THE FREAKING WASHING MACHINE!!!"

Clearly the way to keep the discussion open is to remain calm, cool, and collected. I've got this covered.